BREAK UP STYLES- FIND THE ONE THAT BEST FITS YOU

Things are not working out between you and your significant other. You’ve told him how much it bothers you when he snaps at you because he thinks you talk too loud. You’ve asked her to please stop flirting with other guys. Time after time after time…UNTIL you realize, “Wait, maybe that’s just the way they are’” TA-DA! Congratulations! You’re now ready to break up and make room for the RIGHT person.

Now comes the hard part. How do I break up with Mr. Snappy? How do I break up with Ms. Flirty?

Whatever you do, do it in person. Unless Miss Flirty is in bed with another guy or Mr. Snappy went postal on an old lady walking too slowly in front of him.

The questions is…to be or not to be…HONEST?

BREAK UP STYLE #1: LIE OR DIE

So you’ve dated him for 10 months and everything is hunky-dory. You have ignored all the red flags with neon letters that read “PSYCHO” because you believe that people are inherently good. You’re about to find out that some people are inherently good psychos.

He’s a psycho. Your friends know. Your Mom knows. Even your dog knows. Everyone knows. Except YOU. Then finally it dawns on you: “Geez, maybe his joke about killing me during sex was a red flag….uhm….How about the time when he broke into my apartment building, left a dozen red roses at my door and then waited for me behind a trash can in the alley for 7 hours? Wait….that’s not romantic…that’s…CREEPY!

BAZINGA!

Now that you’ve come to the realization that you’re dating a psycho, let me give you some pointers. Rule #1: don’t ever call a psycho “psycho”, unless you have already made arrangements with the Witness Protection Program. It’s hard to have to be cool and patient with someone who has been abusive or creepy but this is where you count to 157 before you REACT. Think before you act. This is the mantra that will save your life when you break up with a psycho.

It’s morally OK to lie when you’re in a “lie or die” situation. Don’t hesitate to plan a well crafted lie, preferably with the help of a psychiatrist. Always make it YOUR fault. Rest assured God will forgive you for this one. Yes, even GOD wants you to break up with him.

After you break up with psycho-boyfriend over the phone from an undisclosed location, make sure you block his phone number, his email and all social media connections.

If after all this, he’s still obsessed with you and continues to stalk you, call the authorities and don’t hesitate to file a restraining order.

BREAK UP STYLE # 2: MEAN AND LEAN

This girl is always putting you down in front of your friends. She denigrates your accomplishments in front of your family. In the heat of passion, she makes fun of “that weird face you make”. Finally, the dealbreaker. Meanie facebooks to her 5000 friends a post that highlights the below average size of your penis. I’m a girl but that even hurts ME!

Your friends don’t like her. Your Mom doesn’t like her. Even though she’s super hot and even your Dad, who can’t stop staring at her double D’s, doesn’t like her. When you see her hitting on your best friend, that’s when it finally hits you: “This girl is a whore.”

When she’s mean, your break up must be lean. A simple and classy, “Good bye. Kiss my ass.” will suffice. Then you call her my favorite 4-letter word…NEXT!

BREAK UP STYLE #3: YOU’RE NOT EVEN A LITTLE INTO HER…EMOTIONALLY SPEAKING

She’s your rebound girl. One day you wake up and realize: “WTH!? I don’t even like skinny girls! How did I get myself into this mess?” Easy. I’ll give you a Big Bang Theory explanation. It’s like when you’re running really fast and you know you have to stop but your feet can’t do it all of a sudden….so you keep running an extra 5 seconds until you finally stop. You were running with your former girlfriend, she dumped you in the middle of the race and your denial kept you running for 6 more months with skinny girl, until you finally were able to stop and question the “thin line between love and hate.”

It’s not fair to her. She knew you were on the rebound but she believed that all those romantic gourmet dinners and all that passionate lovemaking were because you were into her. It never dawned on her that you were into the momentum of “running” with the memory of your Ex.

Please, be gentle and do it in person. Reassure her that she’s amazing but that you’re not the right guy for her. You want the best for her and wish her all the success she deserves blah blah blah. Bullshit all you want, just make sure you’re a gentle-man.

BREAK UP STYLE #4: LET’S BE FRIENDS

Personally, I hate this break up line. Most of the dumpers who use it are cowards as they usually text or email it. Of course, they always include a boring dissertation about the reasons why you’d be better off being friends than being lovers.

Even though it’s really, really tempting, please DO NOT refute their well thought out, articulate, full of big words you don’t understand thesis unless you’re testing their IQ. It’s not worth it to waste your time on someone who clearly feels they don’t possess a lot of emotional or financial investment in the relationship. Cheap bastards! You gave this scrooge your all and now he just wants to be “friends”. Imagine how invested they’d be as a friend. Go out to a “friend lunch” with them and you’ll always end up picking up the tab.

I’m writing this one under the point of view of the dumpee because I don’t like the dumpers who use this lame line. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to be friends with my Ex’s, it just tells me they never really cared that much about the relationship and never bothered to tell you they only had weak romantic feelings for you. For the dumper, I only have one thing to say: man-up or girl-up and use this breakup style in person.